mammo

Just a reminder ladies get your boobs checked, I know it’s no fun & the machine was definitely designed by a man because if men had tits there is no way on earth they would go through with that…. They’d need counseling & the likelihood of them ever having more than one mammogram in their lives is zero. ~ here I am at the Penn medicine in Plainsboro… (♥️ Penn medicine) sporting this lovely gown that really brings out the color of my eyes!! It’s snuggly!

Just don’t ever do what I did & look down ~ I couldn’t believe what I saw…. ROADKILL attached to my body 😖!!! I thought there is no way that’s going back to normal ~ but they did … our bodies are soooooooooo amazing… so get your mamms checked ♥️

Two years today...

Two years ago today I lost my Dad… I miss him so so so much. 

A friend of mine lost his father recently & asked me about grief & I responded:

GRIEF ~ Urgggggggg ~ there is no right or wrong way ~ there is no ending to it either. I’m not very good at truly putting myself in other people’s shoes, this was no exception. I found a lot of people are like that with loss. 

With my Dad… initially it was the shock… & then what the hell do I do? He hadn’t written anything down about what he wanted ~ buried, cremated? It was all down to me guessing. I thought he’d like to be buried & bought a plot but I’d wake up in a panic thinking what if this isn’t what he wanted & would never be at peace?

Planning the funeral kept me busy & I felt as though I was still doing things for him… & that helped me.

I did feel a kind of numbness which I think is my body’s coping mechanism.

When I met people I knew for the first time since my Dad passed I’d cry… it was like I was meeting them in a different way, without my Dad being alive & my tears were acknowledging that.

Some people feel very awkward around you but want to see you.

Nothing will ever be the same… the first year is a count down of all the first things without your Dad, holidays, birthdays, first snow fall, summer, dipping your feet in the sea, everything…

There are times where I’ll just cry, a memory, a smell, a texture, a color, a butterfly, a song in the supermarket, seeing something I’d know my Dad loves (like the steam train on All Creatures Great & Small). I’ve gotten better at controlling these moments & I’ve found that often I’ll smile or laugh instead.

I often say life is like a Hallmark Shop ~ you’ve moved on to another aisle… & there’s no going back.

The feeling I disliked the most is ~ ok my Dad died, we had his funeral, time has passed ~ now stop ~ I want him back… I want it to all back how it was. I was angry.

Then the feeling of panic that I will never ever ever see my Dad again. We flippantly use words like lifetime or when I’m dead & buried, I didn’t believe them though.

I like talking about my Dad… I still talk to him, sometimes I can almost feel his presence.

Be kind to yourself ~ you have a wound, it needs a long time to heal… you’ll need PT, you’ll need to learn to live with this.

Cry, scream if you want to, don’t stifle anything.

I’m always here… please let me help you in anyway I can.

My first bone break

Sooooooo… on Sunday I was going down to the basement to mend the drier. I’d done a bit of research & worked out the coil had broken (probably because we have never cleaned out the pipe at the back which is so bad ~ that’s such an easy way to cause a fire). Clean your dryer pipes peeps!

The new coil had arrived ~ so armed with a drill gun & my laptop to watch YouTube guy show me step by step how to replace it I made it down almost all the steps… then I missed one & landed on my ankle. 

Yes it hurt but not that bad… (I do have a high tolerance for pain). I landed up against the door so Flynn couldn’t get out to help me. 

I felt like I should just keep still & then I felt really sick & really cold. Flynn made it around & I asked him to call Mike. 

Mike carried me to the couch downstairs & had to go finish what he was in the middle of.

Nothing I did made me comfortable & I started to think this is more than a roll :(

I got myself back up the basement steps on my butt…. & as soon as Mike got back we went to hospital.

There were no wheelchairs, we waited about 15 minutes for one & then I said just let me hold onto your shoulders & I’ll hop. It too ages to make it across one paver. Then all of a sudden 2 wheelchairs arrived thank god because it would have taken about week to get in.

Then all the usual stuff happened & I went to X-ray. Now I don’t know why I bother doing this but it’s like I can’t help myself. I asked the technician if he could see anything? & of course I get the… you’ll have to wait for the Dr to review blah blah blah. But what made me think this wasn’t just a sprain was he said wait let me help you, don’t put any weight on your foot, keep it off the ground, go slow.

The dr appeared & told me my ankle was broken… I helped hold on this fiberglass splint that dryed rock hard, it’s amazing stuff!! He told me I would need to see an orthopedic dr in the next day.

I was wheeled out to Mike clutching my crutches. 

I got to see my dr the next day & he told me it wouldn’t mend properly without surgery :( I’d broken my fibula… did I hear it snap? Surgery Wednesday, everything was happening really fast, COVID test, prescription filled.

Surgery went well ~ but reality was sinking in… no weight on it for 6 weeks or driving… How many times do we nearly miss something like this happening everyday… in a split second.

I’ll never take being able to get around for granted again. 

Grave Stone

I keep putting off my Dad’s gravestone… it’s not that I don’t want to do it, it’s I want it to be perfect & it’s so final. It’s not like I can say ‘oh you know what ~ can the date be moved slightly to the left’. Ok so maybe I am putting it off because I’m scared I’ll do something wrong. If it isn’t quite right you know what that will do to me. But it also eats at me that he doesn’t have one yet…. This is my dilemma. My Dad left my sister & me some money. He saved all his life ~ went without. I know that was his generation, & also his choice, he didn’t enjoy expensive frivolous things. But it pains me that he could have spent it on himself, had more fun & not left us anything. 

The funeral costs came out of this money ~ my sister did not attend & complained that it was expensive & why hadn’t his girlfriend paid. 

It was very hard ~ I love my Dad so much. When it came to the funeral everyone stood back… & I claimed ownership. (Which was very sad but in the long run made my life a lot easier). I tried to think of the things he would have liked. Sadly there was nothing saying what his wishes were & when my Dad was alive I hated discussing anything to do with his death & avoided it. My Dad was never going to die.

I decided that I thought he’d like to be buried in the cemetery behind his house. I’d wake up in the night in a panic thinking what if he didn’t want this… what if his remains would be stuck somewhere for eternity. It’s not like I can undo it once its done. (Although I do have friends that would said no problem…!)

My Dad had a lovely funeral, if funerals can be lovely. I think he would have been proud.

Mike was great & so were my boys, they enveloped me. But it’s really strange losing a parent, you won’t understand what it is truly like until it has happened to you.

The people that helped me so much & loved my Dad like their own were Karen & Steve. They are family to me & went above & beyond. The were never intrusive but guided me through the whole funeral process, they were my legs to keep me up. I will be eternally grateful to them. 

So the solicitor is finalizing details. My sister is getting antsy for the money & has already insisted on getting half now.  

The gravestone was going to be split our of my Dad’s money like the funeral costs. So it’s almost coming to a point where I’m holding things up…

I looked at so many gravestones online & decided on one that has an angel leaning on the side of the stone. She has her face resting in her arms so she could be sleeping or crying or resting. But I liked the idea of my Dad not being on his own. 

The wording took ages & I settled on:

Captain Peter Roycroft Nixon

November 16th 1922 - February 23rd 2019

A True Gentleman 

Devoted & Benevolent

Beloved Father, Grandfather, 

Husband & Friend

Forever Loved

Never forgotten

The quote came back really high. I didn’t care ~ it’s for my Dad! I would give my last penny to him. But then so many thoughts went through my mind. 

My sister will have a fit ~ that’s ok, I’ll pay for all of it. She signed her half of my Dad’s house over to me instead of forcing us to sell it. 

What if the angel got vandalized? I know it doesn’t bare thinking about but you see cemeteries with angels with bits missing.

Would my Dad want this? He was a simple man… If I got a simple grave stone I could buy angels & saints & put them there, change it up.

So now I’m kind of in limbo… I think I’ll pay for the stone & let the solicitor finish with my sister. I want the stone to be from pure love, no resentment. 

HUG !

sooooooo… a few weeks ago Lisa Wolff ( Executive Director of FoHVOS) called me to check i had seen her email… ( i may or may not be notorious for not checking my email 😳)

well i’m so glad she did because i would have missed out on the FoHVOS #HVHugATree campaign! & I WOULD HAVE BEEN GUTTED! i love hugs, i love giving hugs, i love trees & i love hugging trees!! ❤️🌳Lisa explained she’d thought she’d check as she was expecting me to be one of the first to have responded & oh how right she was!

what an awesome campaign! the whole execution of it was wonderful & brought so much happiness. well done FoHVOS!!

when my boys were at Hopewell Elementary ~ they both had a fantastic teacher called Mrs Scotti. she would always say that hugs make you live longer & would love it when the kids would run up & wrap their arms round her. i loved how comfortable they were doing this.

i really think it’s true… but i think giving hugs, not just recieving them is also very important! i know we can’t hug everyone at the moment… but look what a beautiful day it is ~ go walk on one of the beautiful trails, get some fresh air, social distance, be glad these amazing spaces are open & if you see a tree give it a hug & connect with nature, you’ll feel better for it!

Do humans need hugs to survive?

Actually we could live without hugs, but it would be like dying slowly, a little every day. About this, family therapist Virginia Satir said: “We need four hugs a day to survive, eight hugs to keep us as we are and 12 hugs to grow”. ... Therefore, even if not 8, you still need to guarantee you a daily dose of hugs.

not trying to brag but the participants got their own postcard!!

Fohvos bee abode project...!

sooooooo….

One third of our global food supply is pollinated by bees.

Simply put, bees keep plants and crops alive.

Without bees, humans wouldn't have very much to eat.

Bees are crucial to our existence as well, thus we must work harder to protect and preserve them.

(  www.elitedaily.com/news/world/humans-need-bees-to-survive/755737 )

Well FoHVOS have these awesome ‘Bee Hotels’ that will be placed in Hopewell Valley & we have a chance to help out by assembling Bee Abodes from a kit that can be purchased & delivered to you! www.fohvos.info

I was very excited when my delivery came & got my boys involved, we looked up how important bees are in our environment.

The kit is REALLY put together well ~ instructions are great & easy to follow. It was a fun project to do with my kids & a VERY important one.

TA-DA!!! Here is the finished Abode… I can hear the BUZZ-ing from here!!

There is no need to paint it, you can leave it the raw wood that it comes in. But… I am Anne! & yes ~ I know the sides won’t be seen, but I agree with some of Steve Jobs ideas… ‘Passionate to the point of obsessive about design, Steve Jobs insisted that his computers look perfect inside and out.’ Walter Isaacson ~ SMITHSONIAN MAGAZINE.

Check out the rear! The branding iron!! This calls for a FoHVOS BBQ!!!

The instructions also give ideas for other homes for pollinators ~ I’m looking forward to making my own to hang around.

THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME TO GET A KIT & HELP OUR BEES!

a year ago today...

sooooooo… A year ago today was the last time that I ever got to talk to my Dad, to hear his voice, to make him laugh... to tell him I love you ❤️ To have a conversation where we took turns to speak. He sounded tired… He was in hospital but was coming home ~ little did I know he would die in his sleep early the next morning.

This is so hard ~ so final, so raw. People say I’m so lucky to have loved my Dad so much that I have such grief. Yes I am ~ my Dad & I had a very deep bond. We went through a lot together. He did so much in his life.

People say ~ you can still talk to him, he’ll listen. That doesn’t help, I don’t hear him or see him, he doesn’t answer me. I can’t hug him or tease him, watch him eat, smile, rub his beard, make that face when I’m being cheeky. I can’t hear him being witty, telling me to drive slower, to stop rushing, to have patience, that he’s proud of me…

I am so lucky that he never had to live in a nursing home & that he had the best neighbors in the world that loved him too & took care of him.

Even in death he was a true gentleman ~ not going through some awful illness, just never waking up…

I miss him so much it hurts.

reverse parking...

sooooooo… am I missing something here? why do people reverse park into a parking spot? It doesn’t make your car safer because the mirrors are in the way. you can’t get to your trunk (boot) easily & forget about getting a shopping cart back there without leaving marks on other vehicles. Are they just showing off ?(although my driving instructor told me that I drive better backwards than I do forwards…)

I just googled this & apparently it’s easier especially if you’re driving a big ass truck… well it’s not cool & I for one am not going to park next to any big ass trucks reversed parked again! & this is why…

I had some parcels to drop off at the UPS store ~ one was of significant size & on my back seat. My packages are piled up & as I start to walk away from my car my head is turned to double check I have everything. Then BOOM! I’ve been hit in the side of my head, the impact causes me to drop some of my parcels. did someone punch me? I’m dazed & more confused than normal.

I feel violated, My head hurts, there are a few stars. After composing myself I realize what has happened… When I turned my head I walked straight into the big ass side mirror!

For 2 weeks I have not been able to wear my right earring because my ear torn very slightly & needed to heal.

There was no damage done to said enormous mirror… & yes it was so stinking huge you could probably see it from space & how did I manage to not see it bla bla bla. Whatever!