Two years today...

Two years ago today I lost my Dad… I miss him so so so much. 

A friend of mine lost his father recently & asked me about grief & I responded:

GRIEF ~ Urgggggggg ~ there is no right or wrong way ~ there is no ending to it either. I’m not very good at truly putting myself in other people’s shoes, this was no exception. I found a lot of people are like that with loss. 

With my Dad… initially it was the shock… & then what the hell do I do? He hadn’t written anything down about what he wanted ~ buried, cremated? It was all down to me guessing. I thought he’d like to be buried & bought a plot but I’d wake up in a panic thinking what if this isn’t what he wanted & would never be at peace?

Planning the funeral kept me busy & I felt as though I was still doing things for him… & that helped me.

I did feel a kind of numbness which I think is my body’s coping mechanism.

When I met people I knew for the first time since my Dad passed I’d cry… it was like I was meeting them in a different way, without my Dad being alive & my tears were acknowledging that.

Some people feel very awkward around you but want to see you.

Nothing will ever be the same… the first year is a count down of all the first things without your Dad, holidays, birthdays, first snow fall, summer, dipping your feet in the sea, everything…

There are times where I’ll just cry, a memory, a smell, a texture, a color, a butterfly, a song in the supermarket, seeing something I’d know my Dad loves (like the steam train on All Creatures Great & Small). I’ve gotten better at controlling these moments & I’ve found that often I’ll smile or laugh instead.

I often say life is like a Hallmark Shop ~ you’ve moved on to another aisle… & there’s no going back.

The feeling I disliked the most is ~ ok my Dad died, we had his funeral, time has passed ~ now stop ~ I want him back… I want it to all back how it was. I was angry.

Then the feeling of panic that I will never ever ever see my Dad again. We flippantly use words like lifetime or when I’m dead & buried, I didn’t believe them though.

I like talking about my Dad… I still talk to him, sometimes I can almost feel his presence.

Be kind to yourself ~ you have a wound, it needs a long time to heal… you’ll need PT, you’ll need to learn to live with this.

Cry, scream if you want to, don’t stifle anything.

I’m always here… please let me help you in anyway I can.